The Last Time I Saw You

"Why don't you fight anymore?"

The sentence that I should have said on our last day.

I want to forget that day

Forgetting the time I saw your shoulder come out and left me.

Do you still remember it?

Dear G,

I want to forget that day

But I know it's your happy day.

And in fact, you know as well that I'm someone who's happy if you're happy.

You know that, right?

I prepared everything for that day.

Buy beautiful clothes,

Got some makeup to make myself pretty,

Bought a pretty aster as a form of my love on your happy day.

And guess what? The flower has meaning, hope and faithful love.

This flower is the way I feel about you.

But again, all I remember is the moment.

I can only see your face confused by my presence while holding flowers from me.

I don't know what that face is,

Are you sad that it's our goodbye day?

Or are you upset that I'm here?

You pull me to another place,

You want to talk to me,

But all I get are sentences

"Don't hate anyone around me, just hate me," you said.

How do you think I can answer your question when I want the words "I love you" or just "thank you for coming"?

How do you think I can answer your questions when all I need is your hug?

Just looking at you is difficult for me, especially when I have to answer your sentences, when I also have many messages and questions for you.

Dear G,

You don't know how much it hurts me to hold back crying and confused to answer your question.

Can only duck,

Shut up,

Shake the head and say, "No, I don't want to".

Can you see that?

But why? Why did you walk out on me?

I just cry seeing your shoulder slowly getting farther and farther out.

You're mean.

I want to hate you that day.

You hurt me,

You really hurt me.

I want to be mad at you, but all I can do is just want to see you happy at that time.

I don't know what made me so strong that day.

I don't know why I can still sit alone watching your friends celebrate together on your and friends important day,

I don't know why I can still take photos and choose the right angle,

I don't know why I still have time to say hello to your friend,

I don't know why I still want to look for your photos in the photographers who were there on your graduation day.

I don't know why I don't bother you.

All this time you are the one who always knows I can't pretend to be in that feeling, right?

And yes, you should praise me because I can spend it holding back!

aaaaa I want to yell, I don't know why I'm letting you do this.

I don't know why I really love you.

You love me too right?

I see those eyes,

Your confused eyes and guilt-ridden eyes on you.

But why? Why did you leave me?

I think we are just busy with our own ego without seeing “our” words completely.

I don't know what you mean and You don't know how I feel.

Unfortunately, we can only hurt each other.

But at least I want us to say goodbye better.

Maybe we can look at each other,

Maybe we can talk to each other from the heart,

Maybe we can repeat the photo with a happier look,

Maybe I can say "congratulations, you’ve graduated" emphatically,

Maybe you can invite me to socialize with your friends and family better,

Maybe there's no word for goodbye,

Or maybe we can say "goodbye" without hurting each other.

With the way I am,

I'm trying to bring you back.

But I realize that trying to hold you as tight as possible is more painful.

And now,

Hardly,

I let you go.

With this cry,

I'm trying to let you be a man who never regrets your choice.

With this pain,

I let you be happy without me.